It’s easy to get upset in our interactions with others. They can say things we take wrong or even intend to hurt us. On the flip side, we can feel bad if we unintentionally hurt someone else or feel misunderstood.
These are signs that we are taking things personally.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama, reacting to what is happening and feeling like you need to defend or protect yourself. The story of what is happening may even become amplified in your mind when it triggers fears, pain or echoes a past negative experience. But, the extra upset you create only hurts you and keeps you distracted from resolution.
Resolving things that feel upsetting happens best when you can be in a calm and rational state. When your energy is neutral you can be more thoughtful, open and find solutions for the issue at hand. Easier said then done. Right?
Keep in mind – It’s how you relate to the issue that matters most.
The period of completion after an uncomfortable experience is not just about resolution, it is also a time of transition. When we seek closure, what we really want is an understanding of what has happened and an opportunity to integrate the lessons we have learned. Continue reading
When clients first start working with me they are often feeling overwhelmed, upset, or out of balance. Many of them have forgotten who they really are, judging themselves on the basis of:
Recently, I was having dinner with my family when something said triggered a memory and I started crying. Everyone was surprised, especially me. The last time my family saw me cry was 6 years ago when I thought I lost my cat while moving. These tears seemed out of the blue.
I like to believe that I have resolved and healed the experiences from my past, and mostly I have. The time and energy I have put into healing and evolving has paid off, but I doubt anyone ever does it perfectly. There are different angles, remnants and nuances that can still be triggered and set off our emotions. Not as many, but there are usually some.
Have you ever noticed that as people get older they become more entrenched in the way they view the world? I remember one woman I met while volunteering at an Alzheimer’s facility. She was always smiling and would get really excited about simple things like a game of Bingo. Her positive mindset was helping her stay happy and enjoy better moods during a challenging time of her life.
And then, I remember my dad. He would complain endlessly about people who he felt took advantage of him or what was wrong with the world. Visiting him meant listening to much repeated stories of things that had gone wrong in his life. He was angry, hateful and sad and I always felt drained after visiting him.
Both of these people had chosen a way of thinking that programmed their brains year after year until they were living fully in the mindsets they created.
Well, it’s been quite a year. I know my head is still spinning and will probably continue to for awhile. With all that has happened and all that is still going on, doing an end of the year process is even more important this year.
So, pick up your pens or tablets or whatever you choose to use and let’s get writing.
While 2020 may have been full of loss and distress, remember we are always learning from our experiences and there is always something to be grateful for.
Use these prompts to guide you as you remember the good and the bad and say goodbye to 2020. It doesn’t matter if you write lists, paragraphs, or even a letter to the year. Just write from your heart.
What were the blessings and magical moments I experienced this year?
What successes did I achieve?
What am I proud of myself for?
What surprised me?
What did I learn from this year’s challenges?
What did I worry about and how did it turn out?
What do I want to take from this year to create a foundation for the year to come?
What do I want to leave behind? (physical, mental, or emotional)
What am I most grateful for? Write at least 100 things.
May you have a wonderful New Year holiday that brings closure to the past year and prepares you for a great year to come.
Related Posts:
Living a heartfelt life is one of the most peaceful and joyful ways to experience this world. It’s pretty much the opposite of what we see around us. Most people are too busy, too worried, and completely disconnected from their heart’s wisdom.
Once you start experiencing heartfelt moments you will crave them more and more. But, how is it possible to shape your entire life around them? It’s not as hard as you think and when you do it will feel like coming home to the life you were meant to live.
With all of the things going on in our world today, most of us are experiencing an increase in anxiety. I know I am. My clients are talking about it too.
We are all likely to be experiencing some level of grief today. The loss of jobs, relationships, and way of life due to Covid-19 can all bring deep sadness.
Many of the people I talk to have also recently lost friends or loved ones and are struggling with how to master the art of grieving. The death of someone we love is probably the deepest level of grief we can experience.
I know because I’ve been there.
In the early weeks of staying home due to Covid-19, my microwave broke. I panicked. My first thought was literally, “How will I eat? I’m going to starve!”
I realized very quickly that I was over-reacting and started problem solving instead, but it made me wonder why my mind would even go there.
Throughout our days we view the world through different lenses or perspectives. There are times when those filters lead us to believe the world is against us or full of bad things and other times when we can be full of hope and possibilities.
We get to choose.
Years ago I read about the idea of setting up a cache of special items that would bring me comfort when I needed it. My comfort box is pictured above and the funny thing is sometimes just knowing I have it is enough.
I think everyone should have one. It doesn’t have to be a box. It could be a drawer, basket, or whatever you want. The idea is to fill it with things that will soothe your soul when you are not feeling well or having experiencing a hard time.
Over the years I have talked to a lot of people who were feeling upset or experiencing emotional pain. While their stories may be different, there seems to be a common thread.
For many of you, the only lists you write are To Do lists that end up being fuel for self judgement when the endless items don’t magically get done. So, I can understand if you weren’t that interested in reading this post about lists.
I’ve been writing in a journal on and off for years, but my commitment wasn’t as high as it is now.
It all started with the book, “The Artist’s Way” and being inspired by Julia Cameron’s recommendation to write 3 pages every morning. But, it never lasted very long. I would journal in fits and spurts, mostly when something was bothering me and then forget all about it.
I feel more committed now. In addition to writing what is on my mind I am using my journal as a tool to improve my life. I can feel it’s impact almost every day and can’t imagine life without it.
There is something stirring in the women around me. I hear it in my conversations with clients and friends. They describe feeling like they are on the edge of something new. Something that is calling to their hearts. Some know what it is and others are still waiting for the voice to become more clear.
When clients first come to me they usually have an issue they want to resolve or something they would like to create. They may want to:
And yet, when all said and done, they tell me there was something even more powerful and unexpected that came forward. The real gift was who they became through the process and how much they learned to love and value themselves.
Feeling heard is a basic human need that far too many people go without. It can make or break relationships, save lives, and even prevent wars.
When someone is talking to you and you are distracted or not wanting to listen, they can tell. And, it hurts.
People who talk a lot, repeat themselves often, or get loud are usually not feeling heard or grew up feeling they didn’t have a voice. In challenging conversations, they will usually calm down once they know you have heard what they are trying to say and then move on to productive conversation.
Those who have suffered loss or are feeling upset don’t need sympathy or to hear your story; they need an opportunity to express themselves without interruption.
Listening is a cornerstone of communication and it is becoming a lost art. It is not about having an agenda or opinion, but about being focused, loving and safe for the other person in that moment.
But, what if what they have to say is negative or hurtful? What if they have a pattern of venting their issues or opinions at you all the time? What if you have a history with the other person that triggers pain and fear as they speak?
Taking care of yourself is always the first priority. If you do not feel safe or ready for the conversation, you are likely not the one meant to do the listening. At least, at this time.
Ultimately, you need to follow your heart. And, when you are able, giving the gift of Heart Centered Listening will be just as much for you as it is for the other person. In many cases these conversations end in huge shifts or breakthroughs. Even if they don’t, you will know that you have done a loving thing. And that, always feels good.
Related Posts:
How to Get Perspective When Feeling Pressured
We all have stories about our histories and many of them are about childhood experiences where our needs were not met. Some of us continue to feel the pain and anger of those early times and the beliefs we formed about ourselves and the world also continue to shape our lives.
Holding onto our childhood stories can keep us stuck in the past and prevent us from living the life we deserve. We can make ourselves sick by keeping the emotions trapped in our bodies and live as victims controlled by fear.
For many of us, our histories feed our deepest feelings of being unworthy and unlovable.
It is only by releasing these feelings and letting go of the past that you will be free. Free to grow. Free to feel good enough. Free to create the life and love you want. Your past is in the past. It’s an old story. Honor it, but don’t get lost in it. It’s time to write a new story for the rest of your life.
I don’t say this lightly and know that when you are living in emotional pain feeling free of it can seem impossible. I have been there. But, I have also been able to move beyond it. If I can do it, you can too.
Often, the assistance of a qualified coach, counselor, specialized program, or trusted friend can help you find the way. If you would like to talk to me about the possibility of working together to support your healing, you can contact me here.
Below is one of the exercises that I have used and recommended. You will want to create some alone time in a quiet space to focus on the process. It may feel awkward at first, but when you really dive in it can help you start to heal your past. Here are the steps:
Keep in mind that this is a process and healing your entire history won’t happen over night. But, when you start taking steps in that direction, you are taking a stand for yourself.
If you have thoughts of ending your life, please call a suicide hotline immediately. Here is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Or, if you feel hopelessly entrenched in emotional pain, please get help. Don’t try to tough it out. It’s okay to ask for help. I did, and it changed my life.
Related Posts: