It’s easy to get upset in our interactions with others. They can say things we take wrong or even intend to hurt us. On the flip side, we can feel bad if we unintentionally hurt someone else or feel misunderstood.
These are signs that we are taking things personally.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the drama, reacting to what is happening and feeling like you need to defend or protect yourself. The story of what is happening may even become amplified in your mind when it triggers fears, pain or echoes a past negative experience. But, the extra upset you create only hurts you and keeps you distracted from resolution.
Resolving things that feel upsetting happens best when you can be in a calm and rational state. When your energy is neutral you can be more thoughtful, open and find solutions for the issue at hand. Easier said then done. Right?
Keep in mind – It’s how you relate to the issue that matters most.
The period of completion after an uncomfortable experience is not just about resolution, it is also a time of transition. When we seek closure, what we really want is an understanding of what has happened and an opportunity to integrate the lessons we have learned. Continue reading
When clients first start working with me they are often feeling overwhelmed, upset, or out of balance. Many of them have forgotten who they really are, judging themselves on the basis of:
In a world where there is so much going on and most of us are flying by the seat of our pants, we seldom take time to think through what we say or do.
Yet, slowing down and being more thoughtful are just what you and your world need.
My holidays have run the gamut from being so poor I could only afford a few thrift store toys for my son to being completely overwhelmed by preparing a holiday meal, attending parties, and finding the perfect gifts for friends, family, and co-workers.
What I’ve learned is that I do best when I keep my holidays simple and close to my heart. I may be crazy, but I think that might be true for most of us. Continue reading
You are a blessing to this world. Yes, you. That real authentic you that you sometimes try to hide because the world has taught you it’s not cool, beautiful, capable, lovable, or worthy enough.
The world lied. You ARE all of those things.
Over the years I have talked to a lot of people who were feeling upset or experiencing emotional pain. While their stories may be different, there seems to be a common thread.
I would like to believe I’m a patient person. After all, I’ve raised a child, potty trained a dog, and witnessed the growth of my clients with respect for their own process and timing.
But, lately I’ve been feeling frustrated because reality is not matching up with my expectations.
For many of you, the only lists you write are To Do lists that end up being fuel for self judgement when the endless items don’t magically get done. So, I can understand if you weren’t that interested in reading this post about lists.
I’m beginning to think that human beings are hard wired to focus on what is wrong. We have high expectations of ourselves, others, and the world in general and these expectations set us up to feel disappointed when they don’t come true.
Our minds are programmed to always look for what is wrong or what is missing and this keeps us grounded in the negative. When we think negative thoughts we feel bad and are not as effective as we could be.
There are a lot of disappointed and unhappy people out there. Are you one of them?
Lot’s of space! Granite counter tops! Curb appeal! When looking for a new house it’s easy to get caught up in wanting more, more more.
If you have the perfect house your life inside it will be perfect too. Right? After all, the bank said you can afford it, and they should know. Really?
One of the things I loved about my friend Sybil while she was on this earth was her joy in bringing people together for food and stimulating conversation. She loved to listen and bask in the warmth of being surrounded by interesting friends.
As she was losing her ability to speak, she started writing letters to us. I came across a few of them recently and they were full of amusing observations and appreciation for the people around her. I could almost here her chuckling between the lines. Continue reading
I like to play with various challenges from time to time. It’s how I learn and grown. So, when someone at church suggested we practice thinking before we speak this week I was all in.
It was a good week for it, too. I had several conversations that needed to be handled carefully.
What I didn’t expect was how my focus on thoughtful speaking would make me feel. Continue reading
Feeling heard is a basic human need that far too many people go without. It can make or break relationships, save lives, and even prevent wars.
When someone is talking to you and you are distracted or not wanting to listen, they can tell. And, it hurts.
People who talk a lot, repeat themselves often, or get loud are usually not feeling heard or grew up feeling they didn’t have a voice. In challenging conversations, they will usually calm down once they know you have heard what they are trying to say and then move on to productive conversation.
Those who have suffered loss or are feeling upset don’t need sympathy or to hear your story; they need an opportunity to express themselves without interruption.
Listening is a cornerstone of communication and it is becoming a lost art. It is not about having an agenda or opinion, but about being focused, loving and safe for the other person in that moment.
But, what if what they have to say is negative or hurtful? What if they have a pattern of venting their issues or opinions at you all the time? What if you have a history with the other person that triggers pain and fear as they speak?
Taking care of yourself is always the first priority. If you do not feel safe or ready for the conversation, you are likely not the one meant to do the listening. At least, at this time.
Ultimately, you need to follow your heart. And, when you are able, giving the gift of Heart Centered Listening will be just as much for you as it is for the other person. In many cases these conversations end in huge shifts or breakthroughs. Even if they don’t, you will know that you have done a loving thing. And that, always feels good.
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How to Get Perspective When Feeling Pressured
The concept of forgiving is very noble and we are told it is the right thing to do, but sometimes it is not so easy.
Even when we know that forgiving is not saying the other person was right we may still crave completion, an apology, a way to prevent it from happening to someone else, retribution, or even just understanding what happened. Continue reading
For the last year and a half I have lived in a place that has real seasons. Hot summers, fall leaves, winter snow, and birds and flowers in spring. But, I think my California brain is still adapting.
A little while ago we had a sunny and relatively warm day in the midst of winter. It fooled my brain and triggered a desire to spring clean, even though I knew the cold weather would return. I took advantage of the motivation and deep cleaned my house. It was a day of energy and satisfaction brought on by what felt like spring sunshine.
I loved having a preview of spring and appreciated how it motivated me to refresh and renew my space. And now, the change of seasons is really happening and I am ready to spring clean and spit polish my life all over again.
Would you like to join me? Here is how: Continue reading
I love listening to people talk about their life story. As a coach, hearing my clients’ stories is an important part of my work. Their histories often reveal what has shaped their lives today and also bring light to just how powerful, loving, and beautiful my clients really are. They may not be able to see it, but I sure can.
Gradually, this love of stories began to pull me into the idea of helping people honor their histories by writing them down, and I became certified as a guided autobiography (GAB) class instructor. Continue reading
Over the years I have felt drawn to the idea of creating a program or new foundation for my work around either simple heartfelt living or supporting women in midlife and beyond. Maybe, a combination of both. There have been several times when I created outlines and ideas that still reside in notebooks filed away, waiting to be shared with the world.
It happened again this morning as I was writing in my journal, another outline surrounded by heartfelt words of what I really want to share. I was surprised when I realized I keep creating the same outline over and over again with slight variations.
And then it was clear, the reason this idea keeps coming forward is that it is really about the life that I want to create for myself. And, share with you. A simple life, full of meaning and based on the guidance of my heart. Continue reading
For some of us, including me, saying “no” can be challenging. We want to help and please, sometimes to our own detriment. I personally believe that most of us are way to busy these days and not honoring the time and space needed for ourselves to stay grounded and whole.
It’s important to be clear when enough is enough for you and honor those boundaries. And so, I thought I would share 50 ways that we can say no in a graceful and respectful way.
But first, I have a some tips that will help you say no successfully: Continue reading