My client had a very clear goal. She wanted to find a man to share her life with. She called this goal “finding the one”.
We started with some foundation and discovery work about what she was looking for, open to, and defining her deal breakers. But, it didn’t take long before I realized that she was engaged in a cycle of self sabotage.
First of all, she had a lot of rules. Rules for how men looked and dressed. What they should say. Where they lived and what they drove. By the time we reviewed all of her expectations it was clear that she wanted only perfection and there wasn’t much room for a real man to enter her life.
Secondly, when she went on dates she would come across as desperate and controlling. She would start right away with pointed questions about income, marriage, and children, scaring the men away.
My client was caught in a cycle of working really hard at not getting what she wanted most.
I see this all the time. It seems to be a part of human nature. We decide we want something and then behave in ways that ensure it doesn’t happen.
It comes from fear. My client was afraid of making a wrong choice. She also felt her time was running out. The fear created behaviors that chased good men off.
We all do this:
- We want to be healthy, but feed ourselves toxic foods
- We want to save money, but keep spending more than we earn
- We want to be happy, but stay in situations that make us sad
- We want to live fully, but spend all of our free time watching TV
Sound familiar? If so, it’s time to break the cycle. Here’s how:
Start with Awareness
You can’t change what you don’t see. Observe your behavior and identify how fear might be causing you to sabotage yourself. If something in your life is not working and you can’t see why, ask for feedback from a coach, counselor, or trusted friend.
Get Clear on What You Really Want
Check in with your heart. She knows what is most meaningful to you. If what comes up seems materialistic or like a surface goal, ask yourself what you will feel when you have it to identify your deeper desires.
Write Your Why
Being grounded in the reasons why you want your meaningful goal will solidify it and help you stay focused on achieving it. When it is written, you can refer back to it to help you refocus after a slip up or if your motivation wanes.
Make a Commitment
If you are not feeling all in right away, make an unbreakable commitment to one small change. Keeping that commitment will draw you into even more.
Get Support
If something is not working in your life or you are struggling to make your dreams come true, get the support you need. Creating the life you desire is not always easy and asking for help is a self honoring choice.
If you would like my support as your life coach, I would love to talk to you. You can contact me here.
There are wonderful things on the other side of fear and self-sabotage. My client is now engaged to a man much different than she expected and looking forward to being a Christmas bride.
Let’s be like her and stop working so hard at getting what we don’t want so we can start creating what we do.
Related Posts: