The concept of forgiving is very noble and we are told it is the right thing to do, but sometimes it is not so easy.
Even when we know that forgiving is not saying the other person was right we may still crave completion, an apology, a way to prevent it from happening to someone else, retribution, or even just understanding what happened.
Forgiveness is a complex subject and we each have our own way of being with it. But, many people get stuck on the word and the idea of what they feel they should do when all they feel is beaten up. And then, they judge themselves for not being able to forgive and long for the relief it would bring.
Sound familiar?
When my clients find it hard to forgive and move forward, I sometimes suggest they forget about forgiveness. I can feel them relax with relief almost immediately when given permission to stop trying. When we force forgiveness or anything we are not ready for it only makes it harder, maybe even impossible.
The way to side step this is by understanding that when you try to forgive your focus is likely on the other person and what they did. But, true healing is all about you.
Let’s focus on that.
Instead of forgiveness, look at the ways the person or situation is still controlling you. How often are thoughts about it playing in your mind? How much is it influencing how you feel? What percentage of your day is impacted by it? Get really clear about the burden it has become.
Make a decision to reclaim your life. To not let what happened continue to hurt you again and again. To truly heal and re-engage with the world in a healthy way. To feel good again.
Let it go! This may be as simple as letting it flow out with your breath, journaling, or creating a ceremony of closure. One of the visualizations that works well for my clients is:
- Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and settle into a relaxed state
- Imagine that the other person has put suction cups on your body and heart that are controlling you and draining your energy
- Sit with the feeling of being drained by the suction cups
- Make a decision to let them go
- Take a deep, deep breath
- When you exhale, let the suction cups fall away (repeat this step if you feel any remaining)
- Breathe in love
If you are finding it difficult to move forward after a challenging experience I encourage you to ask for help. Talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or contact me to schedule an appointment.
Healing is a process that can take time, but you don’t have to stay stuck in pain.
Take a step now toward the freedom you deserve.
Related Posts:
Let Your Soul Guide Your Healing
When Someone Upsets You, Remember This
5 Simple Soulful Practices You Can Start Today
One thought on “Having Trouble Forgiving?
Comment:
Forgiving is for the benefit of the forgiving part, the wrongdoer will have to come to terms with own actions (and live with it for ever) in spite of the received forgiveness. Once forgiven the wrongdoing part should do the 7 steps “Let it go” exercise.
That was amazing! I changed it up a little. I imagined pulling each suction cup away, myself, and I hugged the people I love who were attaching them (including a younger version of myself). The ones I didn’t want to hug, I spoke to and wished them well. Then, I decided that since I could still the suction cups, I had better dissolve them and turn them into love. I saw it form a circle all around me & then looked back at your post and saw “breathe in love.” Perfect!
That’s what I love about visualizations. We can make them whatever we want. I love how creative you were with this and made it your own.
I remember when I was struggling with forgiveness, my Pastor told me there were two parts of forgiveness…one is to forgive from your head, and the one I had a problem with is forgiving from the heart. Once I realized that I didn’t have to forgive from the heart, it started to make sense. I was able to let go from my head, which didn’t mean that what that person did to me was okay, it meant that I wasn’t allowing it to take over space in my body. I was not responsible for what this person did, I was relinquishing the effect it had on me and letting go the hurt that was consuming me. Thank you for posting this!
What a wise Pastor and interesting perspective. Thank you so much for sharing it. Now, others may benefit from it just like you did.
Great article thank you, I used to have real trouble forgiving, never mnd letting go until about 5 years ago, I found as you say they were constantly in my thoughts and it was there still controlling my daily thoughts. I made a choice that i would not forget but learn to forgive and of course over time I forgot (mostly ) anyway but it did release the hold and quite quickly.
I find now that i can almost instantly forgive as i disliked the feeling of holding that feeling more than i did the daily mind mess if i held onto it.
Congratulations on getting to this point with forgiveness. I can forgive what people do to me fairly easily, but am still challenged when people victimize others. I still have work to do.